Have you ever suddenly experienced such rage where your eyeballs feel like they are going to pop out, your heart is beating 1,000 times a minute, you literally clench your teeth together so they may snap? Well, my woman of a certain age friends, good news is, this is perfectly normal, bad news is it is up to your hormones to decide how long these spells are going to go on for. So, we need to find ways to release that rage in a healthy way, not running someone over with a trolley again and again until you can see the back of their skull through their face which is now plastered all over the floor (sorry – far too much imagination!!). Buckle up beauties, here is one of my rage stories…
I have, for a lot of my life been quite a chilled person (ex-boyfriends, no need to comment), I used to have a higher tolerance and calm nature but recently I have noticed things have changed somewhat. I have become much more intolerable and have an air of entitlement to me which I have never felt before. Actually, fuck it I have been having bouts of absolute rage with absolutely no way of really knowing what to do with it, so I eat it. I think it is a combination of hormones, age and past trauma still needing to heal.
I have never and still do not condone violence but boy my thoughts can go deep and dark. Recently, on one of my commutes on a Friday evening from work. (I am not a fan of my commute, the noise, crowds, smells, I think you get my drift) I was pushed to my limit. Standing on a tube platform, I was waiting, first in line to get on (okay ram myself on) and when the doors open you have to step aside and let everyone else off first obviously. But there was a dawdler getting off so I was slow getting on and by the time I was on a young man was in front of me.
He went and stood in front of the last available seat. I went over to it to sit as he still had not sat down but he FUCKING blocked me! He put his hand out right in front of me to get his girlfriend who was all of twenty something so she could sit. I was absolutely livid, and my sense of entitlement and rage went into overdrive. I muttered very loudly under my breath that he was a fucking rude idiot and stalked off to find a corner to sulk and rage in. I kept looking at them in the window but they did not seem to notice my rays of death and dirty looks, they were too engrossed in their own little bubble. They were totally unaware of what had been triggered inside of me.
At the next stop, someone got off and a seat became available opposite this couple so I now had a front row seat to stare at them and give off my radioactive waves but they did not seem to care. My whole body was shaking, I was clenched up like a virgin sphincter but all this energy I had in my body was ready to burst, I had to do something other than what I wanted to do to them, so at the next stop I got off as I realised I had to remove myself from this situation.
After getting off I calmed down instantly and the rest of the journey was drama free with only muttering a whole conversation to myself under my breath. The more time went on the calmer I felt and it did dawn on me that actually the act he did was quite sweet and romantic – he could have just done that romantic gesture to someone else.
This experience shook me to my core so I knew I needed to do something about this rage. When I got home I looked into therapies which would help heal some demons and calm my hormones.
I came across a sound bath – I had heard of these before and was tempted to sign up but never either had the money or time but this one fell into my lap with both the cost and the timing so signed up and happy days!
The day arrived and so I packed a huge bag with a blanket so I wouldn't get cold and off I went. Excited and nervous I find myself on a housing estate in South London, I ring the bell and am buzzed in. Walking up the stairs, past all sorts of crap on people's doorsteps, mould and peeling paint, I am met with a very loud ‘Welcome’ which I couldn't help but giggle at and started talking back but immediately regretted that as I was far too out of breath. I get to her floor and there is Skye with her arms wide, ready to welcome me again. She hugs me then shows me inside. As soon as I enter, I am greeted with stuff’ everywhere. The flat is tiny and so to navigate to any space big enough to stand without knocking into anything I had to walk into the kitchen, but I got a very sharp shout to take my shoes off which startled me a little and thought there was no need to be so snappy. But I did as I was told like a scolded schoolgirl and just as I was doing that I noticed a room with a camp bed, a sofa and a mattress with a blanket. The camp bed moved and suddenly a head pops out with a lovely smile and says ‘Hi, I’m Natalie’. I am told Natalie is a regular. I mumble some niceties and put my shoes obediently and bag alongside the others but dig out my blanket.
I head into the room with the beds and sofa and am told it is her living room which is a bit bloody obvious but I keep my rage in check. I am shown where to place my raging body so I sit down. I try not to think too much whether this mattress is ever washed or the blankets which has been laid out like a morgue sheet. I am sure they are cleaned just not sure if it between every client. I sit nervously and check out the room. It is full of drums, bowls, gongs and more ‘stuff’.
The next 10 minutes is an explanation of what will happen. Skye tells me and a very excited Natalie, that because there are only 2 of us it will be more intense and she will be able to spend more time with us individually. I am not sure what that means but I nod enthusiastically. In the pre-amble she notices my blanket and asks why I bought it so I tell her I may get cold but she doesn’t seem to take this too well and points to a stack of other blankets. I ignore this and focus on keeping my fear in tact.
It is time..... I lie back, pull MY comfortable, clean blanket over me and close my eyes. Slowly, I am sent into an orbit of what I can only describe is an over zealous orchestra. Banging, gonging, wind pipes, chanting, sound from bowls, a didgeridoo and many other noises, she could have been farting for all I know as I solidly kept my eyes closed through fear.
Then suddenly BANG right next to my ear which made me jump and pee myself a little and of course my instinct was to punch her but I was there to deal with my rage so thought better of it so I just gave in and went with it.
I actually, despite the racket, manage to meditate and relax until I realise my bladder is screaming at me, not sure if it was through nerves, fright or just due to the tea and water I had just drunken. My mind becomes alert and I wonder what the protocol is to get up and run to the loo. Frustratingly, once I realise I can not go, that is all my mind can focus on, so for the last 10 minutes I spent hanging onto my bladder as hard as I could and when everything went quiet and I hear the magic words of come back to the room, I sat up like a vampire who had been asleep for 100 years and sprang as fast as I could to the loo.
Relief over, I come back in and we sit and discuss what had happened.
Discussion over, Skye starts talking about her journey and learnings and doesn’t seem to lose wind for a long time…I almost want to lie back down and sleep! I find it fascinating how people just don't have the self-awareness to realise when they are talking too much and when I try to ask a question to Natalie, Skye basically answers it for her! Grief I think…time to go.
I gather myself and stuff and I say my goodbye’s and on my way home I reflect on what I had just been through.
I would love to do it again but in more serene surroundings, not in a chaotic flat that is the size of a stamp. I do feel I may have got something out of it and as for my menopause rage – time will tell.
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